A Collective Self

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:: Ethan. 22. Eugene, OR ::
:: Creating. Connecting. Understanding. ::
:: Art. Design. Psychology. Cats. ::
:: While I'm Alive, I'll Feel Alive. ::

Unstable footing near the edge.
I’ve been here before.
I didn’t want to come back.



       Anonymous

Aw, shucks. Thank you anon. Even with the beard? haha

image



There is a simple dichotomy in my life.
I exist as two different people.
One I am proud of and display to the world.
And the other I lock away in the dark.

The first is a pleasant and kind person.
Motivated and successful at many things.
Who speaks easily and smiles often.
And enjoys being free.

The latter is a pathetic and incapable person.
A failure in the past that motivates the former.
Who stays silent and sullen always.
And knows it’s place.

The former is the equilibrium of my life.
That handles the ups and downs and balances them.
That creates a stable and capable existence.
"I have come a long way and will go further".

The latter is the entropy of my life.
That cannot handle the downs and ignores the ups.
That creates a vacuum of anxious existence.
"I have come a long way but will never go very far".

They stay separate now.
Most of the time.



It’s that dark and sharp kind of loneliness.
The kind that rushes over you suddenly.
That you expected but couldn’t prepare for.

When you know you made the right decision.
Because there was too much wrong.
And not enough left that was right.

And no reason to keep hurting.
And no reason to keep hurting her.
And no reason to keep trying.

But it still is dark and sharp all the same.
This was inevitable, but unpredictable.
Because you don’t know how to be alone.

And you don’t know how to comfort yourself.
And you don’t know how to escape your thoughts.
And you don’t know how to ease the process.

Because you don’t know how to love yourself.



I’m not okay. And I feel like this is the one place I can still say this.



A reminder to pause.
Take a step back.
Evaluate.
And then move forward.